Men Cry Too...Even If It Is Silently!

       


        I remember growing up in a single parent home. I was the first boy to be birthed into our family so I was a bit spoiled from both my mother & my father's side of the family.  Now I know a lot of people have these stereotypes about single parents and the kids that come from them. Well you see my mother graduated from high school at 16 and then graduated with from college with her Bachelors in Education at 19. That is when she had me! It wouldn't be long after that though that my father would leave me. Did he die? No, he just left.

      That moment crushed me even though I was just between 2 & 4 years of age. I couldn't understand why this man that made these vows to my mother and assisted in creating me no longer wanted me. Needless to say that wouldn't be the only moment in history that I suffered hurt & pain.

     I also remember a time when I was at my babysitter's house in Tremont Park and I was exposed to so much stuff. I was exposed to scary movies, sexual movies, and homosexual molestation.

     I remember being about 6 or 7 at the time and my babysitters brother molesting me repeatedly. I was confused. I was angry! But most of all I was traumatized and afraid! I remember him having this HUGE dog that he would allow to charge at me enough to only get in my face but never bite me. That was his way of keeping me quiet!

  As I grew older there would be many things that I didn't understand as a little boy transitioning into a young man! I never played catch or football. I grew up kind of quick. My molestation caused me to prematurely experience sexual acts with females at a young age and to not trust the men in my life because I wasn't sure if they would either leave me eventually or they would desire to do sexual things to me.

   For years I tried to cover the hurt, the shame, & guilt from being molested while longing to fill the void of trying to find a father figure/mentor to help guide me in manhood. I can even recall certain pastors whose congregations I was apart of having a hidden hatred for me because either they assumed that I was trying to take over or they just didn't like me for reason I will never know. I remember knowing that God called me to minister to young people & singing and the pastor put me in a position that was completely against what God had called me to do! Side note: I am not putting anyone on blast, and I am going somewhere with this trust me. Let me please just finish telling MY story. There would be times when I really needed someone to talk to and NO ONE would be available until after I fell into sin! Then I didn't have to look for anyone, they all just APPEARED to say, "why didn't you come to me before this happened?"

   To bring this all in. I have been crying since I was four years of age and even this very day I find myself crying. But Everyone looks at me as having it all together, when there is just this little boy inside him crying asking the question, "Daddy why did you leave me? " Was I not good enough?" What made you decide to start another family and take care of your other kids & leave me to fend for myself?" Why did you leave me unprotected?" " Why didn't you shield me from being hurt?" " You left me dad, and when you did, it was open season for the enemy to reign in my life?"

     Dad, one thing I do want you to know though, is that I love you & I forgive you! Now I just have to learn how to forgive myself!

  Maybe some of you are, or know of men who are, hurting and crying silently. Maybe you have been holding on to something that you were just either afraid or to ashamed to let go! I want you to know that I know just how you feel! I have done some things in the dark that have come out into the light! I too have learned and been taught some bad habits in my past. Even today I am reaping a harvest from seeds that have been sown in my yester years. I want to encourage you know that God knows everything that you are going through and that He cares! No longer do you have to hide your silent cries because He knows! Continue to trust in Him and ask Him to show you how to love Him & forgive others, as well as yourself! I love you all and have a phenomenal day!

Oh also when you get a chance check out these videos as well. they will bless you!


The Father's Love
http://sermon.net/SonRiseChurchandMinistries/sermonid/1199850063

Rejection
http://sermon.net/SonRiseChurchandMinistries/sermonid/119962614

Trauma Pt 1
http://sermon.net/SonRiseChurchandMinistries/sermonid/1199831873

Trauma Pt 2
http://sermon.net/SonRiseChurchandMinistries/sermonid/1199838451