This morning, in my quiet time, I realized that I haven't been fair. There are a lot of relationships in my life that have ended poorly. Now don't get me wrong, some of them needed to end, however, it was how they ended that could have been a better reflection of God's love.
I realized I was holding on to so much hurt, that I was trying to create
multiple places of safety in those relationships instead of dealing with the
hurt from the broken ones. Most importantly, I did not deal with the
relationship that mattered most… my broken relationship with my Heavenly
Father.
Over the years, in my creating of
these “safe places”, instead of turning to the Lord, I have blamed the Lord for
the hurt that I received from these safe places. They were not ones that He
ordained, but ones that I created illegally, meaning without His permission. I
was trying to create places with other people because I no longer felt safe
with Him.
How can I not feel safe with the one who
created me, you ask? I never allowed myself to separate the person from their “sin”.
I didn't realize they were “hurt” people too. Unfortunately, the most hurt came
from those in leadership, the ones who were supposed to reflect Father God’s
love to me. Some of the hurt I experienced was so deep that it turned to
bitterness. I figured that they were suppose to be men of God, so my hatred went
past the man and went directly to God. I not only blamed Him for the hurt they
had caused, but myself for allowing me to get hurt- which led me to play the
creator and create what I thought would be a safe place for me. In reality, I
was just connecting with other hurt individuals who either refused to deal with
their hurt or were perishing because they were too blinded to realize that they
were hurt.
Eventually, I would
forgive everyone but the two people who mattered most, myself and God! And with
this unforgiveness, I developed self- hatred because I was mad that I couldn't
fix it! I couldn't undo the hurt that was caused because I failed to realize
that the true source of my hurt wasn't God, and it wasn't me, but the devil! He
was the real enemy! He is the father of lies! It was him that encouraged me to
live in self- hatred, self-pity, and bitterness
towards myself and God because he knew that if he could encourage me to disconnect,
then he could encourage me to self sabotage my destiny.
Self-sabotage? Yes, because to say that "the devil made you
do it" is a lie! However, by saying that you are saying that, you are
saying the devil is more powerful than God. And that is not true. Even the Bible
says that we are presented with two choices “life or death…choose life.”
“I call
heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you
life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and
thy seed may live:” Deuteronomy 30:19
Any and everything that we have done in our lives has not been
forced, but influenced. We have been given the power to make our own choices. The
question is who is influencing you?
I know it is my desire that God would influence all of my
decisions. And now, even in those moments when I feel hurt and want to create a
“safe place” for myself, knowing that HE is my safe place provides me a sense
of comfort in knowing that He will always be by my side.
“God is our refuge and strength, a very
present help in trouble.” - Psalm 46:1
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